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Gwen: BIG coincidence

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 21:49:39 PST

a couple weeks ago i started taking ZANTAC for my horrendous heartburn. i would get it all day long and especially at night while trying to sleep. nothing else seemed to work well enough so i decided to go with this drug. which is totally against how i am! i never take medications for anything, i hate them.. but i was desperate. soo within a couple of days i noticed shortness of breath but dismissed it assuming it was just pregnancy related.. but at the same time i thought it seemed a little more concerning than regular pregnancy breathing troubles. but i didnt change anything. then exactly two weeks after starting this medication i wake up early in the morning with severe chest pains and spitting up blood.... i was a little freaked out. i waited for several hours then when i wasnt feeling any better i called the nurse. who then told me to go to the ER and make sure it wasnt a blood clot in the lungs... yikes!
so we spent the day in the ER. after checking all my symptoms and such the doctor said he thought it might be a blood clot in the lungs... suggesting a test to be done which many times gives false posetives. if it was that then it would be a serious situation. so i responded with "couldnt it just be pneumonia"? oh yes he said, we could start with an x-ray if you want.... hmm interesting that i had to suggest what was wrong with me.... so after the x-ray sure enough that is what he concluded. so the nurse came in a drew just about all my blood i think (: which actually was the most comfortable blood draw i have ever had and i didnt even get queezy! and hooked me up to an IV of medication. I asked the doctors and even the nurses if they thought zantac had anything to do with my troubles... they said no. but i am not convinced. that is an awfully BIG coincidence if you ask me (:

ANYWAYS. also in the past week i have been having a lot of contractions. lasting several hours at a time and not going away for nothing. but then eventually late in the evening slowing down and then stopping. i cant help but think this is all related. i also have been a bit stressed the last two weeks... quite a few things on my mind (doctor bills, possbily moving into a new house, and a few other things) thankfully dahlia and valen are old enough to understand when we say "mommy is sick" and they leave me alone and play together so well! i even took a nap on the couch yesterday and they didnt bother me! they are too sweet!

in conclusion i have stopped taking ZANTAC just in case, and have just been sleeping upright in a lazyboy (which has been very comfortable actually) and taking tums as needed. dont worry i have been in touch with the nurse daily and she said if i have more than 6 contractions in an hour to take 600 mg ibuprofin and if i have to do that twice in one day to come and see them. oh and also to get lots of rest and take it easy... ok ok ! i swear i havent been doing too much! dont worry i havent been touching the dishes or the laundry or scrubbing the shower... ok just kidding, but i am taking it easy i promise!

Gwen: here is our little boy, isnt he special

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 22:56:45 PST

Gwen: healthy dessert

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:54:55 PST

i am working on mastering healthy dessert recipes. I like something sweet just about every day, but i dont really like sugar. i want something more substantial that wont make me feel like crap. even fruit or a bowl of cereal can satisfy my craving for something sweet...

I am very much a "trial and error" person. in many areas of my life actually. but especially cooking. if i dont think an ingredient needs to be in somewhere, i will simply delete it and pay the consequences of experimentation afterwards.... or sometimes reap delicious benefits. i am getting better at substituting honey for sugar and not making it into soup. oh and if you dont know about whole wheat pastry flour yet, you must try it! i bake entirely with it now and everything turns out great. regular whole wheat flour makes things very dense and most people are not interested in them, but the pastry flour makes it a bit lighter and easier to handle if you arent used to whole wheat. i guess i feel like if i can make something yummy that is healthy then why would i make it full of junk? and my kids love everything i make, even justin enjoys them! i hear no complaints! i am very thankful for that!

I found this great site and one of her recipes for lemon bars is awesome! she uses nuts and coconut oil instead of butter and white flour and the lemon curd is made with honey. i made them a few days ago (nearly burnt them) and after refrigerating them for 24 hours, they were fabulous! so much more substance to them than regular lemon bars, almost an energy snack. i highly recommend them!

Valen: Happy Birthday our beautiful boy!

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 22:16:35 PST

Valens two year birthday party was so wonderful! grandparents and cousins were fun to have around! I made homemade ice cream with honey and a delicious cookie recipe that is made with coconut oil and whole wheat pastry flour and honey. they turned out great!! he had an absolute blast with his cousins lillian and jonas! and his grandmas and grandpas of course (: valen hasnt actually played with them very much since we have moved here but we always look at pictures and half of valens clothes are from jonas so he always talks about that.

Valen was such a ham and much more easy going than dahlia. he just goes with the flow and shows off his cuteness!

to see more ADORABLE photos of him check out the side bar, we finally updated it!

Gwen: enjoying what we have

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 15:11:58 PST

our last appointment we were able to see some 3-D pictures of our baby. they were really special. one of them in particular turned out really great. it really made me ok with letting myself bond with him and be excited to see him and not afraid of letting go. he is special and more dear to my heart than i thought possible! and by the way he looks beautiful!

i met with a friend of a friend yesterday who had gone through the same thing years ago. she was such a neat lady and i really thought it was helpful to talk with her. hearing her story and how she dealt with it all was encouraging and good to talk about.

justin and i are doing well. its been over a month and we have been able to process it all well i think. dealing with many emotions, but feel somewhat stable right now. enjoying life and looking forward to the future.

Gwen: not content

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 22:06:59 PST

what does it take to really wake myself up? and stop talking about things and actually do them? when will my heart and my hands actually be in sync and learn to listen? nothing is more depressing than living for myself. that simply isnt what I was made for. how can we be fulfilled by that? i dont want my purpose to be "happy" that is not my main concern. what i want to see is my life being used how God would want me to be. making a difference in others lives for him. i feel like there is so much inside me that i havent been using, so much potential that i see but dont tap into entriely. how sad is that? isnt that selfish? to keep for yourself what God has given you to share. i want to be persistent with purpose and not give in to the lazy lifestyle of contentment with mediocrity. it seems so much easier, but honestly i think it is harder. at least more empty.

Valen: now i know my abc's!

Thu, 28 May 2009 11:24:59 PST

ok nevermind what i said about valen not knowing his abc's... he can totally sing them! i will try to get it on video soon. but he usually stops whatever he is doing when i turn on the camera.

Dahlia: fun girl

Fri, 22 May 2009 22:06:19 PST

this is a serious forcefield, dont even try to steal my O's Valen jude or you will be sorry!

dahlia and i went to a mother daughter tea with justins mom. dahlia was very shy at first and was making this particular face for some time, it was funny. eventually she warmed up and started doing a few dance moves and being silly for attention, she made me proud (:

dahlia helped me make some cookies justin was going to take to a meeting.... but he never went. unfortunately we had to eat them all ): dahlia loves cooking with me, that and doing crafts is a daily request.

Valen: getting so big!

Thu, 21 May 2009 22:06:23 PST

valen will be two years old june 1st. we are so amazed and in love with this little boy. i couldnt have possibly imagined such a child, he is stupendous!

valen has a very sweet spirit. he is so gentle and loving. i just love that about him. i imagined a rough wild boy, which he is, but he has such a sweetness about him that makes me so happy. he must get it from his daddy (:

valen talks SOO much. dahlia said about five words by the time she was two years old and they were barely understandable, valen can say anything and does. we can literally have a conversation with him and he talks in sentences. it is adorable. i can understand him 90% of the time. he knows how to say "dahlia" but for some reason always calls her "goya"

valen knows his alphabet and he just learned it casually from reading books and dahlia singing it all the time. he can also count to 10. not kidding you! he doesnt really understand counting entirely but he knows the order and points to things as he says the numbers. dahlia helped him learn that. she really is a good teacher. he is working on his colors. his favorite color, i kid you not, is pink! anything pink in the house he loves. if he finds a pink shirt of dahlias he will insist on wearnig it... and when i asked him what his favorite color was he said PINK! hopefully that will pass(: sooner than later!
he loves to eat! if i go into the kitchen he immediately drops what he is doing and gets on his chair. and usually says "applesauce". even if he just had applesauce, he will still ask for it ALWAYS. he doesnt really understand how eating works i dont think. he avoids chewing most of the time and just inhales things. i just dont understand it. food is so much better when you enjoy it. i am amazed at what a good eater he is still though, there isnt much i try giving him that he wont eat. he even likes broccoli and peppers and cucumbers!
a week or so ago justin went in to get valen from his room and found him diaperless and smiling. pointing to some poop and pee in his bed! he had taken out the bottom of the pack and play and threw out everything, including some poop. YUCK! we usually leave him in there after he wakes up in the morning for about an hour because he just talks and doesnt seem to mind and we are still sleeping. but now he has found some mischief to get into and we dont feel safe leaving him alone that long! we are trying to put valen and dahlia in the same room, but it is complicated and just causing many sleepless nights for us all. hopefully we can get this figured out!
alright i think that was enough of an update, i will write more later after his birthday party next weekend!

Justin: Last.fm

Sun, 17 May 2009 21:44:03 PST

Been a while since I've written eh? Thought I'd drop in and share something tech related. Maybe I'll start doing my tech Thursday posts again... yeah, maybe...

Do you like music? If you answered no then you might be a communist and you can skip this post. For the rest of you, I recommend that you check out last.fm. It has many cool features for just about anyone.

It's huge

They have a huge amount of music. Seriously, if you can think of a musician or band that isn't on there, then the band you are thinking of is probably a band you were in in high school.

It's connected

Not only do they have all of this music, they have it all connected intelligently. If you look at any band, they will have a list of other bands that you are likely to enjoy if you enjoy that band. I've been impressed for the most part with their recommendations.

It's easy

Just about every popular music player either has a plugin for last.fm or has it already built in. Once you log in to it, you don't have to do anything. It just starts uploading a history of everything you've listened to. I started using last.fm about three years ago. I didn't really log in for a year or so afterwards but now I find it very valuable. It automatically gives you recommendations for bands you might like. It even will give you a list of free downloads from band it thinks you will like. You can check out my page here:

http://www.last.fm/user/sporkss

It's social

If you have friends on there (and if you're reading this you have at least one), then you can see everything they're listening to. It will even stream a 'radio station' of music that your friends listen to.

There are loads of other little features that you might love as well. I suggest you check it out for yourslef. If you do, don't forget to drop me a note :)

Gwen: God is listening

Thu, 14 May 2009 10:43:42 PST

i have written two blog entries in the past few days and both i accidentally deleted before submitting them.... very frustrating! so i am attempting again, this time in gmail where it saves everything every few seconds.

so since my last update, things have been better. thank you all so much for your prayers, God is listening and we are feeling it very much! life is even sweeter since we have our amazing special dahlia and valen keeping us busy! they are so sweet and fill us with so much joy. i did tell dahlia this week that something might be wrong with the baby inside. she asked lots of questions and is now praying for him everyday... along with lots of hugs and kisses to my belly. and valen also is into snuggling my belly now too, just randomly he will come lift up my shirt and smooch and hug gently, so precious.

we met with one of the doctors at the swedish medical center and felt really comfortable with them there. we are transfering our care from our awesome midwife to the seattle office because of our situation, but she may still be available to be at the birth. she is really awesome and we both really trust her and feel comfortable with her.

our next ultrasound is in two weeks and hopefully we will see some progress with his growth. i would like to clarify the proper term for his condition. he is not just a dwarf, he has short rib polydactyly. the lungs is the main concern with this syndrome. that is why it is a lethal condition. most babies with this problem cant live outside the womb because they cant breath on their own.

i hope summer comes soon to brighten our days even more, i am so done with this rain and cold!!!!!

Gwen: it's hard

Thu, 07 May 2009 21:22:49 PST

this week has been hard. harder than the first week for sure. i really didnt know what to expect from myself but was a little surprised when i started feeling this down. its not like when i think of the situation i get depressed but more just an overall heaviness that i carry. not just a bad mood that is a choice, but a hovering dark cloud over my soul. i really didnt think this would affect me quite this way. i thought i was stronger than that, i thought that i could just carry on and not drag my troubles everywhere i go... but i guess it isnt that easy. normally when i am struggling with something or going through a little trial, i can leave my baggage at home and engage with people and life with joy and spunk... but not this time. it certainly feels like i have a huge lump in my throat at all times. not pleasant. it feels a bit shameful to even admit that i am feeling this way... where is my hope? where is my faith? is it wrong to feel like a human? does it mean i am not trusting in God? there are many many people in the bible and even close to our lifetime who have been amazing people, who felt overloaded and weak at times, who didnt feel like smiling every moment of every day. there have been many people who couldnt shake or ignore the pain they were experiencing and endured its harsh embrace. but still embraced God at the same time and held on to their faith. can i believe that even though i am feeling a heaviness that God is still holding my heart? can i really see through the bad and the ugly and trust that he wont let me go? can i be real enough with myself and everyone around me and not feel ashamed by what i feel? i believe so.. but its hard.

Gwen: california trip

Tue, 05 May 2009 19:17:58 PST

Justin was supposed to head down to california for work sunday afternoon but was not able to fly due to the fact he was puking... dahlia and valen both were a few days before that and were recovering by this point. so justin left tuesday morning and i came to meet him wednesday afternoon. dahlia was sick again tuesday night but i still went. it was hard to be away from the kids especially since dahlia wasnt doing very well.

we stayed with justins boss and family for two nights, which was lovely. they have four year old girl and a boy that is two weeks younger than valen. they were adorable! such great people! we had a little play date with one other wife from the crew and she was great too! thursday night we went to a employee dinner and i met most of the people in the company. they sang happy birthday to me and brought me some cake (:

normally this type of thing would be fine, but i was tired from missing out on sleep with puking kids and then the traveling i guess...and the emotions from the news about our baby... it seemed a little harder than normal for me to engage with others. friday afternoon i met a friend for lunch that i had known when i lived in california in 2003. it was really nice to catch up with her too! and then picked up justin from work. we went to our hotel and had a nice evening downtown. BUT in the middle of the night i felt very nauseas and couldnt sleep. i became sick, but i think it was something that i had eaten. so all day saturday i was worthless and could barely move... watched a lot of HGTV in the hotel (: by about 7pm i felt so much better and was able to enjoy a movie with justin and slept really well!! sunday we met up with some friends from yuma. they came to visit us and we played on the beach with their sweet kids. it was wonderful to see aaron and venessa! we havent seen them for about three years. venessa and justin were really good friends in college. they are like family!

we got home around 11pm and dahlia was sleeping on the couch. i came over to her and snuggled her and smooched her sweet face. she was even more beautiful than when i left her! she still wasnt feeling herself, so she slept with us. the next morning we saw valen and it was so great. they had no hard feelings that we left them for almost a week, they just went right back to their regular selves... i just cant get enough of them!

Gwen: my thoughts today

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 11:25:25 PST

many tears are falling today
but it feels right, its a relief.
im not losing my hope
just feeling the pain that comes and goes with reality.
even in my weeping i feel strong
life will go on, my faith will carry me along.
some moments are overwhelmingly painful
while some are full of joy.
to love and to have lost is better than not loving at all,
so i am told.
but im afraid to love.
im afraid to grip this life
only to say goodbye.
but what a relief for this perfect child
to miss so much pain on this fallen world
what more could i hope for than for him to be free?
it seems selfish to keep him here with us.
what would he wish for?
what would his dreams be?