i am tormented by fear. its painful, it grips me, i've lived with it my whole life i can hardly imagine what a peaceful mind would look like. i know in my heart that all things are possible with God, but im looking at that through fear colored glasses as well... since augustine i feel fear in my life has magnified and i am even more paranoid about things that i wouldnt have been before. i didnt directly relate it till recently. but it makes sense. i have found that i am more attached to my other two children also and live in subconcsious fear of losing them. even though i know God can and will use this whole experience for his glory, i also know that it isnt unthinkable that he might choose to allow this again. he is God and i am not and i am ok with that (or am i) , and i know i will be ok with that, (or will i) but at the same time i am clinging a bit tighter to these precious beautiful lives that i have been given...not even realizing how much so. i relied on Jesus so much through the whole process leading up to him taking augustine....but it is ten times harder now.

i was reading a book recently about a woman who lost her two toddlers to some disease and a year after lost another baby to the same thing. years later the author of this book ran into her again and was amazed at how strong in the lord she was, even through all that. letting it glorify God even though it was so painful. coming out of it all more beautiful than before....let me tell you i was releasing quite a few tears at that moment! i saw so much of myself in her. she was living my nightmare. i know that whatever God chooses to allow in my life, he will get me through it and never leave me and that someday i will be a beautiful woman of God mature, faithful and strong , but looking down the road it takes to get there is frightening!

a friend reminded me that a year or so ago (before i was pregnant) i said that losing one of my children would be the worst thing i could imagine and that i wouldnt be able to live through it..... i do remember saying that and thought i would need to be put into a psych ward after all this, but i am pushing on because of dahlia and valen. they need me. sometimes i think maybe i should never have had children, it only causes me to worry more. maybe i should have never gotten married.... if i was alone i wouldnt have anyone to fear losing.... but that would be so lonely. ive learned to much from marrying justin and i have had so much joy having these children, it seems to have been worth it all.

i read this verse so many times before and never felt this same way i am feeling now....luke 14: ²⁶"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple"

i want to say i love God more than anything, i want to say that id give up everything for the sake of him...but i have to hang my head in shame and say...i guess im no disciple then. something just wont let me let go.