intense calm
i haven't written about the labor pain that came with Augustine. i have to say it was incredibly intense. it was dark and lonely and..... EXCRUCIATING! i never connected the dots for quite some time that it was related to the inner turmoil i was experiencing. ...
before Justin and i even left our home to head to the hospital, i was joyful and excited. i was going to meet sweet Augustine in just a few hours. we drove up to Tacoma and were in good moods. when the first nurse arrived to check me in our room, she looked at me and tilted her head with a slight frown... "how are you guys doing"? AHHHHHH i wanted to scream! i said something to her along the lines of " please don't go there, we are joyful and excited". but before those words even left my mouth i was overcome with anxiety. the next thing you know the nursery manager was at the door inquiring about what we were wanting them to do for him if he wasn't ok... i told Justin to get her out of here and to tell her whatever he thought best, but i didn't want to know about it. then we waited for what seemed like days to be seen by the doctor. she was running late. Justin was starving and thought it would be a quick run to the cafeteria while she was on her way up....but it was just minutes after he left when she waltzed in and got right down to business. i started having such anxiety and was extremely frightened when she came at me with some utensils i would rather not ever see again! let me just say this woman was NOT SENSITIVE and let me just say that I AM! she broke my water in an instant but for some reason thought it necessary to keep ramming it into my insides to deepen the pain. it was scary and Justin wasn't by my side to hold my hand. i began having contractions within less than a minute.... now i knew things were going to come fast and there was no turning back.
after giving birth to Valen i swore i would never do that again without an epidural, what if the pain was worse. but this time i was convinced that it couldn't possibly be any worse than before and thought i would try again.
my midwife who was acting as my doula was so wonderful. she walked us around and gave us a smidgen of peace of mind. but the contractions were coming 1 to 2 minutes apart for a while and getting even more intense with each one. i remember feeling very distant from God and like i was spiraling downward fast. it was so weird. i kept praying to God to be with me and get me through it, but seemed to just go lower and lower. i thought God had left me, i honestly did. i know he says he will never leave us so he must have been there, but let me tell ya, that is the closest i ever want to feeling separation from God!
of course they decide to check me to see how far dilated i was after about a half hour because of the intensity of my pain, but i was only at 6 centimeters. which was definitely discouraging! for the next two hours i experienced the most dreadful pain in the world. imagine having multiple knives stabbed into your back for about a minute and then relax for 30 seconds then repeat. wait no dont imagine! i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy! at one point our midwife suggested she leave Justin and i to ourselves since we were doing ok (i don't know why she thought that i was doing horrible!) so as soon as she walked out i started feeling nauseas and puked all over! she rushed back in and shortly after decided it might be time to push. the doctor had the nerve to suggest checking the dilation again! i am cringing at this moment of reminiscing! thankfully i was at 10! i tried many positions to push him out but nothing felt comfortable (as if something could feel comfortable at this point) i mostly just buried my head in the pillow nearly suffocating myself during contractions/pushing. the back labor was so intense making it impossible to focus on pushing. i remember hallucinating a bit close to the end. i literally wanted to die. i was praying that i could black out. i honestly didn't know how i was going to finish, it seemed so close but so far at the same time. i eventually touched to feel his head and that gave me the strength to push harder. i pushed a few more times out he popped. and the pain was over. he was huge and slimy and looked totally normal to me. i really didn't know if anything was wrong at first. they threw him on my chest and i snuggled him and smooched him for a couple minutes before i noticed Justin had tears falling down his face. that couldn't be good i thought to myself.... so then when i looked back at Augustine i could tell that he wasn't ok. he breathed a few short breaths and opened his mouth trying to say something to me... it was sweet. then he snuggled up to me and breathed gently for a little longer. no crying or tears, just peace and quiet.
its amazing how just minutes before this calmness was a point where i was ready to die. maybe i was subconsciously trying to trade places with Augustine. pleading with God to take me instead of this precious boy. i would rather lose my life than to watch my own child die. that must have been what my body was petitioning for.