life feels fairly normal right now. the whole process of augustine feels like a dream most of the time. but sometimes very real. I met a friend through a friend who is traveling a similar road as we have. her baby is due in november and will have some hard choices to make and possibly painful things to endure. she has some heart troubles. I feel like God has totally placed her into my life for a reason. good is already coming from our recent hard journey. that makes me happy.

i threw a baby shower for her this past weekend and during the shopping for it all i encountered some emotional times. at Target as i was checking out, the cashier asked if i needed a gift receipt. then followed that with, "unless you have had a baby in the past six weeks, which i doubt, then it must be a gift." hmmmmm, i had a split second to decide what i was going to respond with.... I said," actually i did just have a baby". she gasped and said "oh wow i wouldnt have guessed... how old is your baby?" again i had to think quickly if i wanted to make it awkward or emotional for her or myself... so i said, "its complicated..... he would have been six weeks old actually." of course she was shocked and very sad but sweet. i could see all the people in line listening and almost baffled that such a thing happens in real life. these things dont happen to real people, just in movies right? the cashier and i kept chatting about things casually and as i left she looked into my eyes and said genuinely "you're a doll, you are such a doll". i really appreciated her words. she was gentle and true and i didnt know her at all. but something about tragedy brings humankind together. as i was walking out to my car tears were forming in my eyes, i couldnt ignore the words "he would have been six weeks". what a sad thought. to think i could be holding my sweet augustine and listening to him cry and breathe.... but what a happy thought at the same time he is the happiest he could possibly be. growing and learning and safe and sound...... that makes me happy too.

so as we are praying about what to do for long term birth control I am also saddened. the idea that having another child is not an option hurts. there is a 25% chance that our future children will have this same condition, justin and i both dont feel like taking that chance. are two children the most we should have? is life going to be better this way? will God use us more effectively with a small family? would i be even more of a scatterbrained fruitcake with more children to take care of (: it hurts that the decision is out of our hands, but i know it must be for the best. someday maybe we will adopt a young girl who was saved from the sex trade lifestyle, that would be amazing to be a part of. there are so many children out there already in this world who need loving families, it is a shame to ignore that option. we will be praying about this all earnestly.