I took dahlia to the park today before we went to get her stitches out... trying to ease the stress of that. she had so much fun going on the BIG slide! 

eating, reading books and doing puzzles are his favorites right now. and of course watching daddy play the wii. (: he likes to choose what games he will play. just about after every meal he will say " let's play a game, let's play a game!" and every time we always respond with "not right after we eat valen, how bout in a little bit?" and the he loses it! arching back, fists on the floor, whining..... i guess he has a really bad memory.

speaking of throwing fits. we are getting through the 2's fairly calmly. I would say he throws more fits than dahlia did, but not as many as some! if we can be strong and not give in, he stops. and if he doesn't we simply put him in time out in his crib until he can calm down and that works very fast. I have only spanked him probably two times ever and it doesnt seem as needed like with dahlia. time outs work just fine for him and i am so glad!

well that is enough for now. basically he is the most adorable precious little boy I ever could have dreamed up, he is so special and life is just hillarious with him in it!!

we were hoping for a tragedy free year, but i guess we are starting off pretty rocky... i suppose we shouldnt cancel our health insurance just quite yet!

since this all happened dahlia has barely uttered a word about any discomfort. amazingly we have been able to wash it and comb her hair and she doesnt mind. so glad this injury didnt involve a literal arm or leg, that would actually be very tragic.

after it all happened, i was sitting there noticing for the first time just how many pointed edges there are in a home! who's idea was that!

Gwen says that I fell pretty hard, but I didn't feel like it at all. She said I was out for a good 15 seconds. It freaked her out pretty well since she was also having a hard time with Dahlia and everything. and she says my eyes were rolled back and open making me look dead and creepy! turning the shower on as I was falling made the whole thing more funny ... in retrospect. 

before Justin and i even left our home to head to the hospital, i was joyful and excited. i was going to meet sweet Augustine in just a few hours. we drove up to Tacoma and were in good moods. when the first nurse arrived to check me in our room, she looked at me and tilted her head with a slight frown... "how are you guys doing"? AHHHHHH i wanted to scream! i said something to her along the lines of " please don't go there, we are joyful and excited". but before those words even left my mouth i was overcome with anxiety. the next thing you know the nursery manager was at the door inquiring about what we were wanting them to do for him if he wasn't ok... i told Justin to get her out of here and to tell her whatever he thought best, but i didn't want to know about it. then we waited for what seemed like days to be seen by the doctor. she was running late.  Justin was starving and thought it would be a quick run to the cafeteria while she was on her way up....but it was just minutes after he left when she waltzed in and got right down to business. i started having such anxiety and was extremely frightened when she came at me with some utensils i would rather not ever see again! let me just say this woman was NOT SENSITIVE and let me just say that I AM! she broke my water in an instant but for some reason thought it necessary to keep ramming it into my insides to deepen the pain. it was scary and Justin wasn't by my side to hold my hand. i began having contractions within less than a minute.... now i knew things were going to come fast and there was no turning back.

after giving birth to Valen i swore i would never do that again without an epidural, what if the pain was worse. but this time i was convinced that it couldn't possibly be any worse  than before and thought i would try again.

my midwife who was acting as my doula was so wonderful. she walked us around and gave us a smidgen of peace of mind. but the contractions were coming 1 to 2 minutes apart for a while and getting even more intense with each one. i remember feeling very distant from God and like i was spiraling downward fast. it was so weird. i kept praying to God to be with me and get me through it, but seemed to just go lower and lower. i thought God had left me, i honestly did. i know he says he will never leave us so he must have been there, but let me tell ya, that is the closest i ever want to feeling separation from God!

of course they decide to check me to see how far dilated i was after about a half hour because of the intensity of my pain, but i was only at 6 centimeters. which was definitely discouraging! for the next two hours i experienced the most dreadful pain in the world. imagine having multiple knives stabbed into your back for about a minute and then relax for 30 seconds then repeat. wait no dont imagine! i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy! at one point our midwife suggested she leave Justin and i to ourselves since we were doing ok (i don't know why she thought that i was doing horrible!) so as soon as she walked out i started feeling nauseas and puked all over! she rushed back in and shortly after decided it might be time to push. the doctor had the nerve to suggest checking the dilation again! i am cringing at this moment of reminiscing!  thankfully i was at 10! i tried many positions to push him out but nothing felt comfortable (as if something could feel comfortable at this point) i mostly just buried my head in the pillow nearly suffocating myself during contractions/pushing. the back labor was so intense making it impossible to focus on pushing. i remember hallucinating a bit close to the end. i literally wanted to die. i was praying that i could black out. i honestly didn't know how i was going to finish, it seemed so close but so far at the same time. i eventually touched to feel his head and that gave me the strength to push harder. i pushed a few more times out he popped. and the pain was over. he was huge and slimy and looked totally normal to me. i really didn't know if anything was wrong at first. they threw him on my chest and i snuggled him and smooched him for a couple minutes before i noticed Justin had tears falling down his face. that couldn't be good i thought to myself.... so then when i looked back at Augustine i could tell that he wasn't ok. he breathed a few short breaths and opened his mouth trying to say something to me... it was sweet. then he snuggled up to me and breathed gently for a little longer. no crying or tears, just peace and quiet.

its amazing how just minutes before this calmness was a point where i was ready to die. maybe i was subconsciously trying to trade places with Augustine. pleading with God to take me instead of this precious boy. i would rather lose my life than to watch my own child die. that must have been what my body was petitioning for.

i was reading a book recently about a woman who lost her two toddlers to some disease and a year after lost another baby to the same thing. years later the author of this book ran into her again and was amazed at how strong in the lord she was, even through all that. letting it glorify God even though it was so painful. coming out of it all more beautiful than before....let me tell you i was releasing quite a few tears at that moment! i saw so much of myself in her. she was living my nightmare. i know that whatever God chooses to allow in my life, he will get me through it and never leave me and that someday i will be a beautiful woman of God mature, faithful and strong , but looking down the road it takes to get there is frightening!

a friend reminded me that a year or so ago (before i was pregnant) i said that losing one of my children would be the worst thing i could imagine and that i wouldnt be able to live through it..... i do remember saying that and thought i would need to be put into a psych ward after all this, but i am pushing on because of dahlia and valen. they need me. sometimes i think maybe i should never have had children, it only causes me to worry more. maybe i should have never gotten married.... if i was alone i wouldnt have anyone to fear losing.... but that would be so lonely. ive learned to much from marrying justin and i have had so much joy having these children, it seems to have been worth it all.

i read this verse so many times before and never felt this same way i am feeling now....luke 14: 26"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple"

i want to say i love God more than anything, i want to say that id give up everything for the sake of him...but i have to hang my head in shame and say...i guess im no disciple then. something just wont let me let go.

"dahlia and valens little brother"

i threw a baby shower for her this past weekend and during the shopping for it all i encountered some emotional times. at Target as i was checking out, the cashier asked if i needed a gift receipt. then followed that with, "unless you have had a baby in the past six weeks, which i doubt, then it must be a gift." hmmmmm, i had a split second to decide what i was going to respond with.... I said," actually i did just have a baby". she gasped and said "oh wow i wouldnt have guessed... how old is your baby?" again i had to think quickly if i wanted to make it awkward or emotional for her or myself... so i said, "its complicated..... he would have been six weeks old actually." of course she was shocked and very sad but sweet. i could see all the people in line listening and almost baffled that such a thing happens in real life. these things dont happen to real people, just in movies right? the cashier and i kept chatting about things casually and as i left she looked into my eyes and said genuinely "you're a doll, you are such a doll". i really appreciated her words. she was gentle and true and i didnt know her at all. but something about tragedy brings humankind together. as i was walking out to my car tears were forming in my eyes, i couldnt ignore the words "he would have been six weeks". what a sad thought. to think i could be holding my sweet augustine and listening to him cry and breathe.... but what a happy thought at the same time he is the happiest he could possibly be. growing and learning and safe and sound...... that makes me happy too.

so as we are praying about what to do for long term birth control I am also saddened. the idea that having another child is not an option hurts. there is a 25% chance that our future children will have this same condition, justin and i both dont feel like taking that chance. are two children the most we should have? is life going to be better this way? will God use us more effectively with a small family? would i be even more of a scatterbrained fruitcake with more children to take care of (: it hurts that the decision is out of our hands, but i know it must be for the best. someday maybe we will adopt a young girl who was saved from the sex trade lifestyle, that would be amazing to be a part of. there are so many children out there already in this world who need loving families, it is a shame to ignore that option. we will be praying about this all earnestly.

into my arms they placed you so i could love your life,

i will treasure every breath you breathed with me that night.

there was so much purpose in the short time you were allowed

you brought me joy, you brought me peace, in those moments somehow.

but my heart was slowly breaking to watch you while you slept,

i knew that time was ending and you would not wake up.

things were rather peaceful as we saw the setting sun,

fading into the night just as you had gone.

although the tears were dripping as we laid you down to sleep,

we loved you and knew the lord your soul will keep.